NIAW

It feels like an eternity has passed since I posted but I wanted to blog about NIAW. 

National infertility awareness week (NIAW)  was from April 20-26th. You may find more information about this week here: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Resolve was very active during this week and I was ecstatic. I stalked the Resolve facebook page and even added the organization on instagram after begrudgingly creating an account. Never have I felt so empowered, liberated, and as if the world could finally understand this unbelievable journey we have been on. I reposted so many crucial images on instagram and I shared so many helpful posts on my facebook page. The theme that Resolve used this year was: Resolve to know more. Many people wrote blogs and posted them to the bloggers united challenge featured on the Resolve website. You may read all the blog submissions here: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/2014-resolve-to-know-blog-posts-page-1.html

I must admit that I was so disappointed when the end of that week came. Silence has crept back in and no longer do I hear the cries and hushed voices of infertility. I am looking forward to NIAW next year. It is a beacon of light that helps on this arduous journey.

~Until next time

I Forget

Sometimes......
I forget that I am young.
I forget that I should live.
I forget that there is always time.
I forget to keep faith.

Sometimes I just forget.

At times, you open your eyes and you seem to see life through the same lens all over again and past discoveries seem new. For me, this seems to happen repeatedly. Am I the only one who resents this? Am I the only who is blindsided and the world stops spinning because I have to get my bearings once again? This cycle seems never ending.  I'll hold onto my faith but then shove it aside once again. I empower myself yet I am also the hand that destroys every safe haven built. My life is consumed and I resent this oh so much.....

I forget what life was like before.  I forget what  life was like before the bitterness permanently scarred me.  I forget how it is to not be consumed by profound sadness at random moments. I forget so much yet hold on to much more.

I do not forget that this is my path.  I do not forget that this experience has molded me into a more worldly, mature woman.  I know most of all that I will never forget these struggles.

For now there will be progress but also regression.  I will take two steps forward and maybe move ten steps back. I will keep trudging along though because I have to. Staying focused on the future keeps me grounded.  There is so much I need to do and so much that I have to accomplish. I will achieve these first then worry once again later.  It is the only way to to keep the cycle of remembering and forgetting continuous. Without both of these I'm afraid my learning and evolving might indeed stop.  Besides, what are we without adversity?

~Until next time

It's Been A Long Time Coming

It has been such a long time since I last blogged. I have been very busy with work and school. Here is an update of my life.

In school:
This week is our spring break. We are halfway done and I am so excited. I am only taking two classes this semester and I can not wait until they are over! For some reason, I am not enjoying this semester. I am taking a medical terminology course and the second part of my chemistry sequence. In med term I have taken 5 tests and the lowest score I have received is a 95 on them! This is a huge accomplishment and I am ecstatic! In my chemistry course I am doing fairly well. This course involves a lot of math which I am not particularly fond of. I hope to come out with a solid B in this course. After this semester I have only one more course to take until I have met all prerequisites for the MUSC PA program. The last requirement is an organic chemistry course which I plan to take at Winthrop University. I can not wait to attend my alma mater again! I have changed my career path a bit. My main goal is still to become a PA, but I would like to take a detour and become a nurse in order to gain excellent experience. Who knows I may be able to make that my permanent career. After my courses this semester, I will apply for the MUSC nursing program in July. This program will take only 16 months. After the completion of the nursing program, I plan on becoming a traveling nurse. One of my Starbucks customers has urged me to consider this type of career and I must admit that it appeals to me greatly. I look forward to what the future holds. I will make sure to keep everyone updated on my admission process.

In my sbux world:
At my Starbucks job, I recently got a new assistant. I am so excited to finally have an assistant. I plan on showing her all the ropes. I know that she will be an excellent assistant and lead when I go off to nursing school. I have enjoyed my session of being a manager but it is very hard work. I love working as a team with a little autonomy. I do not like being the sole, head person in charge, but I do love my team. I have gained valuable experience from this position and I look forward to applying these new skills to my career in the future.


In the baby world:
The weekend of February 23rd I was caught, caught staring.  We decided to have a dinner date at Olive Garden Saturday night.  Willie always tries to sit with his back to the room which forces me to face the room and the crowd watching their every move. That night though,  the only moves I was watching belonged to a little boy.  He was rosy cheeked,  blond with big baby blues.  So incredibly adorable and entertaining.  Never would I have thought that a child could captivate me so much. It was hilarious to watch this small child sitting in his high chair stuffing his face.  In one hand the little boy held a spoon and in the other he held a soggy bread stick.  Y'all should have seen him shove spaghetti into his mouth.  He figured out the spoon was useless so he used his bread stick to scoop the spaghetti out of the bowl. Little ones are so clever. Right now in our infertility journey we are at a standstill. We know we have to have the IUI or continue to wait patiently. Right now I have decided to focus on my career. The baby will come in time I guess. It has taken me so long to gain this attitude. I can not believe have much I have matured. A baby use to be all that I could think about. The process was oh so difficult, but it is no longer suffocating me. I can breathe again and I love the smell of life's possibilities and new hope.

Free Time:
During my free time I have done nothing but read, read, and read some more. Lately I have been stuck on vampire romances, alien romances and mob boss series. The Captive series by Erica Stevens is a new vampire romance series I have started. The first book, Captured, was free on my Nook. I loved them all!  The new alien romance series I have started is by Jennifer L. Armentrout. It is the Lux series and the prequel is titled Shadows. Finally, the latest mob boss series I have started is by S.W. Frank. This series is 14 books long and I believe I am on the 9th book. All of the books in the series have been $3.99 and under. A huge bonus is that the books are also 300 pages or more. I love long series and books with many pages. The first book in this series is Alfonzo. I absolutely love this series and it is at the top of my list to reread. These authors have become some of my favorite authors. You all should also check out:  Kristie Cook (Soul Savers Series), JM Darhower (Sempre and Sempre Redemption), Chrissy Peebles (Ruby Ring Saga), Danielle Bourdon (Latvala Royals series, Royal Elites series, and Daughters of Eve series), Tracey Jane Jackson (Bride series and Cauld Ane series), Jennifer Connors (Lesson Series), Felicity Heaton, Delores Philips, Octavia Butler, Elizabeth Davies (Resurrection trilogy), Sienna Mynx ( Battaglia Series), Mallory Monroe (President series and Mob boss series), Lynnie Purcell, Genevieve Jack, Elise Marion, and Penny Greenhorn. I could go on and on by naming the authors of all 593 books in my Nook, but I will not bore you. Please take a look at the books by these authors. I hope many of you love to read like I do because you will not be disappointed!


~Until Next Time

Bitterness

Many things challenge you in life, but infertility challenges you tremendously. It is life changing causing you to never be the same. You are tested and challenged every step of the way. It is a battle even if everyone thinks "time" and "age" is all it takes. It drives you crazy. Someone lied when they said money can not buy you happiness. Support, understanding, and love helps you hold on for just a little while longer where that little while then turns into months rolling into years.  During this time, a multitude of feelings are experienced. Sometimes though the experience pauses on bitterness. 

After my sadness, I thought that the bitterness of not getting pregnant would consume me. I was waiting for this darker side of my personality to show itself. I was prepared to no longer fight it and just be bitter. Bitterness, sometimes the result of infertility, also changes you. Many times for the worse. It morphs you into someone you do not recognize.

For a while, I was bitter. I hated the people who had, would, and could get pregnant as teens. I hated the people who were able to have multiple children, while I struggled to conceive just one. Even while maintaining I was pro-choice, I detested the people who could so easily abort their children. For a moment, bitterness was slowly overtaking me. It was no longer a darker side, but becoming the essence of who I was.

Yesterday morning around 6:20 am, I had the shock of a lifetime. One of my Starbucks customers came in and ordered her usual. This time with her drink though, she got decaf espresso. I looked at her and she walked over to show me a picture on her phone. The picture turned out to be a pregnancy test showing her one to two weeks pregnant. Looking back, I expected the bitterness to rear its ugly head and make me jealous and angry. I was presently surprised though. I squealed with joy and congratulated her. I was honored that she would share her special news with me after sharing it with only her husband that morning. I realized that though we might be in this struggle,  we are not defined by infertility. Every constant emotion, such as bitterness, does not permanently belong to us. It is normal to feel as long as we are not consumed by it. Understanding yourself, infertility, and its obstacles help you to overcome feelings such as bitterness in your journey.

Now I understand how wrong I was. I thought the bitterness had consumed me. Instead, it changed me while helping me grow through this difficult journey.

Family

Growing up, I cherished family. There were always gatherings and we were always together at some point. Though we were so dysfunctional with many problems, I could always enjoy those family moments.

After high school, I distanced myself. I moved out at 17 and started going my own way. I would only work and attend school. Now that I look back, it seems like I was isolated. I would always make up an excuse, such as I worked too much or that I was studying. The truth was though, I simply abandoned my family.

It is astonishing how a hardship can pull each member of the family closer. With the sharing of our infertility story, I felt like the family had the secret to our life. I feel more whole and comfortable every time that I let a family member in. So much love can be discovered once you connect more with your blood relations. Upon the diagnosis of my aunt's breast cancer, I decided that I needed to spend time with not only my immediate family, but my family on all sides, including my in laws.

Recently, I have had some amazing times with my immediate family on my mother's side. We have enjoyed the beach, a cruise, and the recent holidays together. Here are some lovely pictures that keep reminding of those wonderful times:

Before the cruise



Thanksgiving



Christmas

Beach in September

 

After the diagnosis, I decided to spend more time with my father's side of the family. We were so close after my mother and he split, but lost touch after. The perfect time to bond has come again. We always spent holidays and special occasions together, such as graduations. I hope to spend many more days celebrating and laughing with this side. I especially want to bound more with my auntie. I have faith that she will beat this horrible cancer, but if she does not I want to be able to say that I got to know her and love her unconditionally. Here are some pictures from our recent get together yesterday for my little cousin Cevion's 6th birthday (his grandma is my aunt):

 

 

You should value family. You should never hold grudges and pass up the moments that you will have to spend with them. When a family member is  gone, there will be regrets and missed moments. I wish to have no regrets. I want to say that I was able to know every family member that I could. Some how I aim to include my in laws in this quest for a connection. It is so hard to find a way to connect with them outside of holidays. I aim to get this ball started. Though it may be a challenge, I am up for it. I just need to keep remembering that family is everything and my love for them is unconditional.

~Until next time 

Emotional Roller Coaster

Before I knew that we could not have kids, I always prided myself on the fact that I never had any children. I was proud that I was young, married, had obtained a college degree, and maintained a job without having any children. The irony of the situation was that it was not from the lack of trying. We just could not have kids.

Earlier when I started this post, I was crying. I was angry and oh so sad. At times the pain overtakes me and it feels like the world comes crashing down on me all over again. I was angry at the people who could get pregnant so very easily. I was angry at the fact that we have to face this heartbreaking challenge. I was angry that I felt so proud of not having children without knowing that the same thing I felt proud of would but the same thing that brings me to my knees and make my heart stutter in my chest. I am so emotional right not and I am trying to fight it. When will this fight end? I do not want to sit here and cry endlessly. I do not want to get the disappointing reminders every month that my womb remains empty. Where is the strength that I have built up over the months and years? Where is that tough armor that softens the blows of infertility? I need it now more than ever.

I saw my auntie recently. She discussed her battle against her breast cancer. She recently started chemo and is taking an endless amount of medicine. Her battle is more real now than it has ever been. I was devastated when I heard the news, but now I am even more devastated that she has to begin this fight. All I can think about is what if she loses? My great aunt and Willie's grandfather lost the battle, so what if she succumbs too? I pray that her youth, faith, and belief gives her more strength than they ever had.  I know I have to be strong, but right now I am not very optimistic. We are similar but while she is fighting for her life, I am fighting to give life.

Right now I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am happy, I am sad, I am angry and jealous, but most of all I feel hopeless. I am at a standstill. There are no more doctor appointments that we have to go to. There are no more updates to post about our progress of moving forward in our infertility journey. All I can think about is that this may be the end. We may never have children and I will be this angry, resentful person. I hate feeling like this. Usually I am always laughing, talking, and smiling, but I feel like there is nothing to celebrate right now. This is the end and I am willing to let it be just that: the end.

Scholarships

Money and finances are very important. MUSC recently emailed me a financial aid packet. It has information about loans, but most of all scholarships. While attending Winthrop, I just about had a full ride. During my last year of high school, I applied for any and all scholarships that I could get my hands on. Most of the scholarships had certain major and GPA requirements. You would be so overjoyed to find another scholarship, but have that happiness crushed as soon as you read parts of the requirements. Now that I look back, it seems that my joy and hope were always crushed during certain moments. This infertility journey can not be excluded from that category.

The infertility journey has many expenses including doctor visits, medicines, and driving expenses. Most of all though, the greatest expense turns out to be the procedure needed to finally achieve the dream of becoming pregnant. We were ecstatic to find a solution to our life shattering problem. We had found our answer along with new hope. We had optimism until we found out the procedure expense. We first thought that $800 plus a little more would not be hard to save. Boy were we wrong. Within two weeks of deciding on the IUI procedure, I had $300 saved which was quickly spent as unsuspected expenses came up. It was so frustrating. We were finally getting somewhere then BAM! our carefully laid plans were ruined. We keep having to push the IUI process back and I do not like that one single bit. I feel all we can do though is keep budgeting and hope that nothing more surprises us.

Though we have to keep hoping that there are no interruptions in our saving journey, others may have a better chance for infertility funding. I recently discovered that it is possible to obtain scholarships and grants to help with infertility expenses! Who would have ever thought?! I think that this is a wonderful opportunity for couples especially those whose insurances does not cover the infertility expenses and procedures. I encountered this information through the Resolve website: http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/infertility-treatment-grants-and-scholarships.html . It seems like the main procedure with scholarships and grants available is the IVF procedure. There may be many other grants and scholarships available so I encourage you all to include these in your search for funding your journey. I hope that this information is as helpful to you or others as it was to me. You really do learn something new everyday.


~Until next time