Am I right or am I wrong?

Tomorrow is our first infertility meeting with our doctor at REACH (Reproductive Endocrinology Associates of Charlotte). I would be lying if I said that I was not terrified.

I do not want to know if we are broken, but it is essential that I find out. One always wants to be right, the one with all the answers and in control. This time though, I think I would like to be wrong. No wait, I would like to be..... I am so confused. If I am right, there is a problem which may or may not have a solution. If I am wrong, then we would be stuck with the question "Why can we not get pregnant?". I do not know which side of this coin is better and I would not want to choose. Given the choice, I would want to avoid this whole situation. I would like for us to be fully normal.

Upon the discovery of the definition of infertility, I immediately applied it to us. It seemed fitting, especially since there were no other explanations. Tomorrow, we will learn if we are: truly defined by an entry within a medical book, a part of a topic studied in various research, or the thought haunting and hounding many sorrowful yet hopeful minds. We will learn if we are a statistic: the 1 in 8 couples suffering from infertility or two out of 7.3 million people affected by infertility. Tomorrow, my belief will either be validated or contradicted.

Belief is such a strong word. Can I waver in my belief? Is it fair to be on the fence yet support something, such as infertility, so passionately? Infertility has me whirling in circles. I can not figure out which way is up and which way is down. I do not understand the infertility proprieties. How should I feel and act? Should I wear my mask and show an expressionless face? Will indifference make me feel better? Or should I show helplessness by sobbing and weeping? Maybe shocked is a good expression to wear. All I know is that the truth hurts, but sometimes preparedness softens such hard blows.

Tests will be ordered. Our medical histories will be dissected. Answers will try to be coaxed from the many page results newly printed. I am left wondering will the right answers reveal themselves? Will I be proven right or wrong? I know that I am in good hands, because we went shopping around for this place and this particular doctor. I can not doubt my judgment further. I guess I will have to wait patiently (which is not one of my strong suits) and see!