Tension hung heavy in the air. Heavy knots formed in my stomach and the cold, icy rain beat a steady rhythm outside. The mood for our exciting day began dauntingly.
I started this important day at six am. I sluggishly got up to head to work, followed by an eye appointment for Willie (where I picked up my wonderful new glasses), and ending with my final class right before Thanksgiving holiday. After class, I hurried to submit my holiday order for my Starbucks store before getting ready.
As I was getting ready, I took another shower (in my Willie voice). There is something about water that calms me. The shower is so tranquil. The cascading water helps to wash away all my fears, purify me, yet strengthen me for our time ahead. I could not decide on what to wear. I thought about the image I should portray. I wanted to go to the meeting looking professional and put together perfectly, but ultimately my true self won out. I dressed in a pink, white, and silver Aeropostale shirt with gray sweatpants and my multicolored rain boots (though predominately pink). I informed Willie that he would drive, but drove anyway because he drives way too slow especially when we are running late (which is always even to our own wedding!). The traffic was heavy and we arrived shy of 20 minutes early.
Upon arrival, we signed in, with Willie trudging off to a not so comfy seat and I surrendering my insurance card and license. I stood there to have my picture taken and then proceeded to fill out the many forms given to me. Among the forms were: a medical release, financial information of what my insurance covers, the policies of REACH, and the privacy practices of REACH. After those forms were completed, scanned, and given back to me, we proceeded to wait. Willie passed the time on his phone, while I passed the time watching HGTV on the waiting area television and avoiding eye contact. The couples in the waiting area were all mature and sophisticated. While we had showed up in our lazy day clothes, they were dressed to impress. These older couples had undoubtedly come from work. They looked like GQ and sexy Victoria Secret models dressed for the business world. I was uncomfortable. I wished I had given in to my urge for a good first impression. Feeling sorry for myself, we did not have to wait long, though it felt like eternity.
We were shown to exam room one. Here the nurse recorded my height, weight, blood pressure, pulse, allergies, and "social habits"(smoking, drinking, drug use, etc...). She also gave us more paperwork and briefly explained them. In this packet there was: information about genetic testing, telephone communication, a compassionate care program, and information on all the fertility treatments that REACH offers. After this, we were taken to another waiting area. It was here that I read over all the paperwork. Before we could move forward with treatment, we had to consent or decline the genetic testing, which was never given a thought. The genetic testing would be for cystic fibrosis (CF), spinal muscular atrophy (SMA), and fragile x syndrome. I pondered for a moment then asked Willie his opinion. He did not care and told me that we should go through with it. I on the other hand, felt that we did not need to. I did not want to know the potential hazards that we could pass on to our child. I wanted to simply make this experience as normal as possible. I wanted to be able to love our future, potential children without thinking about what conditions they would have. I read, read, and read some more until finally we were called into the doctor's office. Here the doctor went over our and our families' medical histories. He decided that I would need a pelvic exam and blood samples for TSH (and two other reasons that I can not remember at the moment), while Willie would need a semen analysis. After the tests were completed, we were able to check out and head into the cold, icy rain again towards home.
We did not make it home until seven. We made a pit stop by Buffalo Wild Wings. It was here we discussed our options and I shed a few tears. We talked about blame and whose fault it would be if we could not have children. I did not want to think about fault, because I did not care. I needed to identify the problem so that I could find a solution resulting in us pregnant. Willie thought that blame was important. He was weighing in on what would happen if it were his fault. I believe this thought originated after the doctor said that everything in my pelvic exam seemed fine. From the outside (or should I say inside), my side of the equation seemed perfect today (minus the blood work results). Though if I did have problems, there are multiple procedures, drugs, and even egg donation for solutions. The options for him are limited if it were to be his fault. If there is little sperm, then IUI (intra uterine insemination or artificial insemination) could be possible, where they take a sperm sample concentrate it and inject it right into my uterine cavity. The other two options, available if he has no viable sperm, is adoption or a sperm donor. It broke my heart to hear Willie discuss our options. I forced him to because he was only concentrated on taking things one step at a time, but I needed to know his thoughts, feelings, and expectations. He gave me an answer and I would give a thousand lives to take that moment back. He sounded so defeated, angry, and sad. Where was my strong, alpha husband? He was so passionate and felt that I was not listening and could not understand, but what he does not know is that I was listening. I was understanding too. I just could not bear to hear the pain in his voice discussing if it was him so I thought how I would give my life to start over again and have us be normal with children by now. Considering sperm donation and adoption, he talked about our child growing up. He discussed the fact that the child would not look like him and he could not determine the traits the child inherited because it would not be a part of him. I understood that so much. It hurt to know that he wanted a blood connection so bad, while I just needed a child. I know that I would carry the child though, so I could not understand the exact position he held. So I made a decision. I offered that if his test did come back with bad results, we would get a sperm donor, but I would also get a egg donor too. I did this because we are a team. I never want him to be alone, to suffer alone, or to think that he is fighting alone. I am his wife, his right hand person, his foundation, and the person catching him when he falls. He would not take my offer though, so I hope and I pray that these results will come back with good results. No matter what though, this future child will have wonderful parents. This child will question me, strut around just like Willie, and rival his father's humor and habit in making me produce my loud, embarrassing laughter. No matter what, this child will be a part of both of us in so many ways and most of all he or she will be OURS! I think of this child and us raising him or her with unconditional love.
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