Crazy

I feel crazy. Every thought that I think involves a baby. After moving back the IUI date and finding out that my aunt is suffering with breast cancer, I think I have become even more stressed. I think that I am crazy and that I have lost my mind. Or is this a type of depression? My psychology brain wants to put a name on it. All I know though is that this sucks and feels really unhealthy.

Lately I have been looking at baby names. I bought a baby book and I am reading it page by painstaking page. Though he could care less, I hurl the names at Willie while he is playing his Xbox. I pick out all the cute, weird names like Maddox, Avery, Mathias, Liam, etc. I love those names but unfortunately Willie does not. We have a few picked out, but I want to try to find all the names in the world first.

I also have been looking at nurseries. I used Pinterest and projectnursery.com. I searched these sites for hours marking the rooms I loved . I sift through and try to find a baby boy room, a baby girl room, and a neutral room. I want to start painting and buying small things like shelves, paintings, drapes, rugs, a chair, etc. I have realized that I love the aqua, white, and orange combo or the gray, white, and yellow combo. These details I have thought of time and time again. I obsess over them for a while and then I am fine. I am usually able to shake the obsession, but this time it feels as though I will not be able to. I detest this feeling! I am angry that I feel this way. I am use to being so strong, but I feel as though I am weak and failing myself . Why can I not shake this feeling? This is not right, yet I can not quit doing these things. I wish that we still had February as an option. No one wants to feel crazy. What I am going to do? These baby blues are taking me under and I am powerless to stop it....