Dreaming of Decisions

It is cold and the night is silent. The new year has started and I am dreaming of decisions. I dream about the nursery. I dream about your gender. I dream about your name, but most of all I dream about holding you.

We had our follow up appointment on the 31st. Our reproductive endocrinologist broke down the results. Basically, we are looking very good. Our age and the quality of eggs and sperm are amazing, with only time decreasing our numbers and success. He wrapped up the appointment by letting us know that the decision of when we are ready is up to us. We decide when and the IUI process can then begin.

I dream of failing and being punished for being so impatient. I dream of more struggles, sorrow, and anger. I dream that I will never become a mother. I dream that we are judged.

Being 22 and desperate makes me feel terrible. I am so young yet I write as if we have been struggling for decades. How do the older couples feel? The ones who have more severe problems compared to our minor problems. Do they judge us or join in praying for our future children? Will I lose this future child and future chances? Is this the path we are suppose to take? Who will support us?

I dream of discussing our fertility problems with my mother in law. I want so desperately to connect with her. I want to feel valuable and human. Will she care, stare in shock, or cry with happiness? Is she ready to be a grandmother?

I dream of deciding. I dream of the hours ticking pass and giving way to February. I dream of the IUI process, the two week wait, and the positive affirmation that I carry life in my womb. I dream of Willie's face filled with joy, pride, and so much love. I dream of nine blissful months giving way to a healthy, beautiful, and cherished child. Hopefully, I dream the truth of our future.