I got the blues. Not just the baby blues either. I'm sad all the way around. We pushed back our date for the IUI so that we could save some more money. Money is very important. In my opinion it makes the world go around so if there is no money, there is little we can do. I would feel more comfortable with a substantial amount already saved up. Our new month is May. It'll be sometime after mother's day and then the oh so long 2 week wait. We are looking for a June confirmation if everything is successful. I was so impatient but now I'm ready to wait.
The center and majority of my blues concerns a family member. I found out yesterday that my auntie, my only auntie has breast cancer. Never in a million years would I think this could happen. What do I say, what do I do, how do I act? I keep asking why and how long? I have hope though in the treatments: chemo and possibly surgery. My pessimistic side is trying hard to win. This side makes it seems as if it is a death sentence. I know that there is a possibility of surviving and I plan on fighting with her. I want to stop crying. I want to be strong but this is one difficult battle. We had a celebration for her birthday yesterday. I cried a little, but I stayed strong. I know that happiness and laughter is needed so I plan to deliver both. I want to cherish these moments in case there will be no more. I want these blues to go away.......
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
Counting.......
Days seem to take so long to pass now that we have reached a decision. We decided that February would be the perfect time to try our first cycle of IUI. I hope that this will be our first and last cycle of IUI.
As the days drag, I become even more impatient. I can imagine the procedure, feel the joy at the positive pregnancy test, and embrace the impending changes due to motherhood. Who would have ever thought we would be anticipating the arrival of my next menstrual cycle. There is less than a month left before we can start the next phase in our journey. I am counting every second, minute, and hour.
The next phase will begin with the start of my menstrual cycle in early February. On the first day of my cycle, I must call and schedule an appointment for the third day of my cycle. On the third day of my cycle, they will do some blood work. I believe that it will be done to test for hormone levels etc. After this, I believe that my doctor will start me on a medicine routine for follicle growth that will last a couple of days. The size of the follicles will be monitored along with the number. Both are very important for the success of a child, or in the case of way too many follicles, multiples! I prefer multiples. I want babies to spoil and love, but my husband disagrees. The IUI price is currently $800, a special rate they are currently running. I love this price so I hope it carries into February.
This procedure looks to be our most successful chance at children. I am excited yet wary. I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. What if we are rushing into things? I debate whether we are ready for a child. With the doctor appointments, I was just seeking a solution. I do not believe that I ever thought beyond finding that solution. I never thought beyond finding the answer then deciding the next step. I mean of course I want children. We are in this remarkable situation were we can choose when to have kids and I am indecisive about the right time. Now seems okay. We have been married two years, together seven years. We have maintained a place of our own for five of those years. I have received an undergraduate degree and he has attended some college. We own a car and possess decent jobs with ample room for promotion. More school is still in our futures, but finally our longing for a child seems to be too overwhelming. Everyone who I have spoken to about us having a child inquires about school. It feels as if they believe that my desire to go to medical school and become a physician assistant will forever be just that, a desire. It feels as though they believe that this one future child will ruin the plans I have for a career. I detest this implication. I am very determined. I feel as though I am destined to become a PA but also a mother. I am now simply changing the order because I place having a family in higher priority. My timeline of attending medical school may be pushed back a little, but I feel that with the support and knowing myself, I will be able to succeed in returning back to school. I only have a few classes left and I plan to take classes up until the baby is here. I value education so I believe that this will not be an issue. The real issue is money.
On top of the stress and lack of sleep, my concern centers around money. How much does it cost to raise a child, especially in the early years? How many weeks can I take off after the child is born? We will have to save money while spending money at the same time to prepare. I am going to have to compromise on my beautiful nursery that I had envisioned. I have to rethink that cruise that we want to take in July. I know that we will have to rework things, but for this I am willing to. I am willing to do a lot for the chance to become a mommy!!! I sincerely hope that we will be successful in managing our money. Any good tips out there?
~Until next time
As the days drag, I become even more impatient. I can imagine the procedure, feel the joy at the positive pregnancy test, and embrace the impending changes due to motherhood. Who would have ever thought we would be anticipating the arrival of my next menstrual cycle. There is less than a month left before we can start the next phase in our journey. I am counting every second, minute, and hour.
The next phase will begin with the start of my menstrual cycle in early February. On the first day of my cycle, I must call and schedule an appointment for the third day of my cycle. On the third day of my cycle, they will do some blood work. I believe that it will be done to test for hormone levels etc. After this, I believe that my doctor will start me on a medicine routine for follicle growth that will last a couple of days. The size of the follicles will be monitored along with the number. Both are very important for the success of a child, or in the case of way too many follicles, multiples! I prefer multiples. I want babies to spoil and love, but my husband disagrees. The IUI price is currently $800, a special rate they are currently running. I love this price so I hope it carries into February.
This procedure looks to be our most successful chance at children. I am excited yet wary. I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. What if we are rushing into things? I debate whether we are ready for a child. With the doctor appointments, I was just seeking a solution. I do not believe that I ever thought beyond finding that solution. I never thought beyond finding the answer then deciding the next step. I mean of course I want children. We are in this remarkable situation were we can choose when to have kids and I am indecisive about the right time. Now seems okay. We have been married two years, together seven years. We have maintained a place of our own for five of those years. I have received an undergraduate degree and he has attended some college. We own a car and possess decent jobs with ample room for promotion. More school is still in our futures, but finally our longing for a child seems to be too overwhelming. Everyone who I have spoken to about us having a child inquires about school. It feels as if they believe that my desire to go to medical school and become a physician assistant will forever be just that, a desire. It feels as though they believe that this one future child will ruin the plans I have for a career. I detest this implication. I am very determined. I feel as though I am destined to become a PA but also a mother. I am now simply changing the order because I place having a family in higher priority. My timeline of attending medical school may be pushed back a little, but I feel that with the support and knowing myself, I will be able to succeed in returning back to school. I only have a few classes left and I plan to take classes up until the baby is here. I value education so I believe that this will not be an issue. The real issue is money.
On top of the stress and lack of sleep, my concern centers around money. How much does it cost to raise a child, especially in the early years? How many weeks can I take off after the child is born? We will have to save money while spending money at the same time to prepare. I am going to have to compromise on my beautiful nursery that I had envisioned. I have to rethink that cruise that we want to take in July. I know that we will have to rework things, but for this I am willing to. I am willing to do a lot for the chance to become a mommy!!! I sincerely hope that we will be successful in managing our money. Any good tips out there?
~Until next time
Friday, January 3, 2014
Dreaming of Decisions
It is cold and the night is silent. The new year has started and I am dreaming of decisions. I dream about the nursery. I dream about your gender. I dream about your name, but most of all I dream about holding you.
We had our follow up appointment on the 31st. Our reproductive endocrinologist broke down the results. Basically, we are looking very good. Our age and the quality of eggs and sperm are amazing, with only time decreasing our numbers and success. He wrapped up the appointment by letting us know that the decision of when we are ready is up to us. We decide when and the IUI process can then begin.
I dream of failing and being punished for being so impatient. I dream of more struggles, sorrow, and anger. I dream that I will never become a mother. I dream that we are judged.
Being 22 and desperate makes me feel terrible. I am so young yet I write as if we have been struggling for decades. How do the older couples feel? The ones who have more severe problems compared to our minor problems. Do they judge us or join in praying for our future children? Will I lose this future child and future chances? Is this the path we are suppose to take? Who will support us?
I dream of discussing our fertility problems with my mother in law. I want so desperately to connect with her. I want to feel valuable and human. Will she care, stare in shock, or cry with happiness? Is she ready to be a grandmother?
I dream of deciding. I dream of the hours ticking pass and giving way to February. I dream of the IUI process, the two week wait, and the positive affirmation that I carry life in my womb. I dream of Willie's face filled with joy, pride, and so much love. I dream of nine blissful months giving way to a healthy, beautiful, and cherished child. Hopefully, I dream the truth of our future.
We had our follow up appointment on the 31st. Our reproductive endocrinologist broke down the results. Basically, we are looking very good. Our age and the quality of eggs and sperm are amazing, with only time decreasing our numbers and success. He wrapped up the appointment by letting us know that the decision of when we are ready is up to us. We decide when and the IUI process can then begin.
I dream of failing and being punished for being so impatient. I dream of more struggles, sorrow, and anger. I dream that I will never become a mother. I dream that we are judged.
Being 22 and desperate makes me feel terrible. I am so young yet I write as if we have been struggling for decades. How do the older couples feel? The ones who have more severe problems compared to our minor problems. Do they judge us or join in praying for our future children? Will I lose this future child and future chances? Is this the path we are suppose to take? Who will support us?
I dream of discussing our fertility problems with my mother in law. I want so desperately to connect with her. I want to feel valuable and human. Will she care, stare in shock, or cry with happiness? Is she ready to be a grandmother?
I dream of deciding. I dream of the hours ticking pass and giving way to February. I dream of the IUI process, the two week wait, and the positive affirmation that I carry life in my womb. I dream of Willie's face filled with joy, pride, and so much love. I dream of nine blissful months giving way to a healthy, beautiful, and cherished child. Hopefully, I dream the truth of our future.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)
Tomorrow is another appointment to discuss our options. Before the cruise, the doctor returned our call and basically told us that we would have to utilize IUI in order to become pregnant. We could still try normally, but the IUI is a very successful alternative for us. I know in several posts that I have mentioned IUI. In this post though, I would like to actually provide information on exactly what it is. I used the Attain website: http://attainfertility.com/ . I hope you all find this information very helpful. I thank Attain for providing this information on their website. Our doctor's office at REACH handed out an Attain IVF pamphlet that helped me to discover this website.
According to the Attain website:
http://attainfertility.com/article/iui-procedure
Are you considering the intrauterine insemination (IUI) procedure? The IUI procedure may help you get pregnant and take home a baby, particularly if you are dealing with infertility.
How the IUI procedure works
When you undergo the IUI procedure, you can expect to go through the following three steps:
Before the intrauterine insemination procedure, you will need to visit a fertility specialist and have a pre-IUI workup. With this workup, your doctor will check to see if you are in good health. The doctor will assess your hormone levels to see if they are in the normal range and check to see if your uterus can support a pregnancy.
Prior to the IUI procedure, your doctor may start you on ovulation drugs, while closely monitoring you with ultrasound and/or blood testing. This monitoring will confirm that you are producing healthy eggs. It will also help your doctor determine the best timing for the injection of the sperm.
You may also take another test that tells you when ovulation is about to happen. Right before ovulation, there is a surge in luteinizing hormone (LH). Ovulation occurs within 1-2 days after the LH surge. Your doctor will inject the sperm into your uterus at the optimal time for conception.
Preparing sperm for IUI
Your partner will give a sperm sample, which will be washed and prepared for the IUI procedure. This washing can remove potentially toxic chemicals possibly present in the sperm that your body may negatively react to.
These chemicals can sometimes cause an allergic reaction in women, which could hinder pregnancy. Washing the sperm may also minimize the cramping that sometimes occurs after the IUI procedure.
This washing and preparation process also concentrates the sperm into a high volume. This high concentration helps the healthiest, most mobile sperm to reach the egg. This helps to increase IUI success rates.
Inserting sperm during IUI
Injecting the prepared sperm into your uterus is quick and virtually painless. This part of the IUI procedure takes 1-2 hours at the most. Here is what to expect:
Some doctors perform two inseminations with the intrauterine insemination procedure. These are done within a day of each other.
Following the IUI procedureAbout a week after ovulation your doctor may have you come back to the office to check your progesterone levels. Your doctor will observe your uterine lining with an ultrasound at this time. By checking your uterine lining to see how thick it is, your doctor may have some clues as to whether the IUI procedure was effective.
The IUI procedure for male infertility
If male factor infertility issues are suspected before IUI, your partner will need a full male fertility evaluation, including a sperm analysis (SA), before you undergo the IUI procedure.
During this evaluation, a doctor will check your partner’s semen for sperm count and motility. If he has low sperm count, the doctor may ask him to give several semen samples that can be used during the IUI procedure. Having several samples will increase the number of sperm available and may improve your chances of IUI success.
Before giving a sperm sample, your partner will want to abstain from ejaculation for 2-3 days. This 2-3 day wait will maximize his sperm count, and help ensure that his sperm are healthy and mobile.
Get healthy before IUI
Practice healthy lifestyle habits when trying to conceive. To optimize your chances of a healthy pregnancy, get to a healthy weight and stop drinking, smoking and using other drugs.
Talk to your doctor to see if you should take a multivitamin, or make any other healthy lifestyle changes before starting the IUI procedure.
According to the Attain website:
http://attainfertility.com/article/iui-procedure
Are you considering the intrauterine insemination (IUI) procedure? The IUI procedure may help you get pregnant and take home a baby, particularly if you are dealing with infertility.
How the IUI procedure works
When you undergo the IUI procedure, you can expect to go through the following three steps:
- You may begin taking fertility drugs and your ovulation cycle will be monitored.
- Your partner will provide a sperm sample (or you will obtain donor sperm) that will be specially washed and prepared for the insemination.
- Your doctor will inject the prepared sperm into your uterus.
Before the intrauterine insemination procedure, you will need to visit a fertility specialist and have a pre-IUI workup. With this workup, your doctor will check to see if you are in good health. The doctor will assess your hormone levels to see if they are in the normal range and check to see if your uterus can support a pregnancy.
Prior to the IUI procedure, your doctor may start you on ovulation drugs, while closely monitoring you with ultrasound and/or blood testing. This monitoring will confirm that you are producing healthy eggs. It will also help your doctor determine the best timing for the injection of the sperm.
You may also take another test that tells you when ovulation is about to happen. Right before ovulation, there is a surge in luteinizing hormone (LH). Ovulation occurs within 1-2 days after the LH surge. Your doctor will inject the sperm into your uterus at the optimal time for conception.
Preparing sperm for IUI
Your partner will give a sperm sample, which will be washed and prepared for the IUI procedure. This washing can remove potentially toxic chemicals possibly present in the sperm that your body may negatively react to.
These chemicals can sometimes cause an allergic reaction in women, which could hinder pregnancy. Washing the sperm may also minimize the cramping that sometimes occurs after the IUI procedure.
This washing and preparation process also concentrates the sperm into a high volume. This high concentration helps the healthiest, most mobile sperm to reach the egg. This helps to increase IUI success rates.
Inserting sperm during IUI
Injecting the prepared sperm into your uterus is quick and virtually painless. This part of the IUI procedure takes 1-2 hours at the most. Here is what to expect:
- You will lie down on the exam table as you normally do for a pelvic exam.
- Your doctor will insert a very small, thin and flexible catheter into your cervix.
- The washed sperm sample is injected right into your uterus.
Some doctors perform two inseminations with the intrauterine insemination procedure. These are done within a day of each other.
Following the IUI procedureAbout a week after ovulation your doctor may have you come back to the office to check your progesterone levels. Your doctor will observe your uterine lining with an ultrasound at this time. By checking your uterine lining to see how thick it is, your doctor may have some clues as to whether the IUI procedure was effective.
The IUI procedure for male infertility
If male factor infertility issues are suspected before IUI, your partner will need a full male fertility evaluation, including a sperm analysis (SA), before you undergo the IUI procedure.
During this evaluation, a doctor will check your partner’s semen for sperm count and motility. If he has low sperm count, the doctor may ask him to give several semen samples that can be used during the IUI procedure. Having several samples will increase the number of sperm available and may improve your chances of IUI success.
Before giving a sperm sample, your partner will want to abstain from ejaculation for 2-3 days. This 2-3 day wait will maximize his sperm count, and help ensure that his sperm are healthy and mobile.
Get healthy before IUI
Practice healthy lifestyle habits when trying to conceive. To optimize your chances of a healthy pregnancy, get to a healthy weight and stop drinking, smoking and using other drugs.
Talk to your doctor to see if you should take a multivitamin, or make any other healthy lifestyle changes before starting the IUI procedure.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
One Among Many
Today is another big day, but before I start that discussion let me update you all.
Tuesday the 10th, we had an appointment scheduled in order to have a semen analysis done. We traveled to REACH, checked in, and was immediately able to go to the lab. Here, we were taken to a small area off the sitting room to sign some documents, where my husband had to initial his labels for the sample to be collected. These labels were applied to our forms and also to our cup. We were then able to pick a room and get started. This was the most awkward moment I have had in my entire life! How are you suppose to feel while trying to get your husband off in a very tiny, small room with 1980's pornos and Playboy magazines that absolutely suck?! The atmosphere did not exactly put either of us in the mood so we had to tough it out. Pretending this task was one of our dying wishes or fantasies was the only way to trudge through this debacle. So instead of going to medical school for the PA program, I instantly became a sexy MD and worked as a "doctor" for a day! : ) Knowing the importance of the sample urged us forward too. Hmmm, I am wondering could this already be counted as a sacrifice for our children? Ha ha ha! This experience was very interesting and one that I will never forget!
Yesterday around 4 pm, I received a call from REACH about our results. One of our nurses, Mary, wanted to schedule us an appointment for this Friday to talk about the results. Once again my heart stopped and I could not breathe. I hate receiving calls like this and getting no hint or indications on whether the discussion will be good or bad. Her tone conveyed that perhaps the news will be bad news. Since we are going on our cruise, we had to schedule the appointment on the 31st, which is a whole 19 days away!! Ah the anticipation is going to kill me. I will worry, worry, and worry some more on our vacation. I almost wish I had not answered that call. I wish I had ignored it, but I know that would not have gotten us anywhere. It is so ironic that I can be a warrior at one moment and a scared little girl the next. I guess it is true, I am a jelly bean just like my husband likes to call me. I am hard on the outside, but once my shell is penetrated I am so soft on the inside. Yes, we will have to wait unfortunately to get the results, but when we do receive them, I will make sure I share!
Anyways, on a more exciting note, this day is one among many! A very special day where new adventures begin. Today we will head to Miami, FL for our cruise that sails on Saturday the 14th (our 2 year wedding anniversary yay!). I can not tell you all how excited, happy, joyous, anxious that I am. Though I love to travel, it seems like I rarely take vacations, so I am looking forward to this much needed retreat full of relaxation. I can not wait to see the ocean. I love the ocean and water in general. I am your average swimmer, but I love the sights of huge bodies of water. They seem edgeless, limitless, are mysterious, and full of wonder. I could not imagine myself going deep into the ocean because of the heavy, deep darkness, but I love seeing the images of deep sea diving. I also look forward to exploring Miami and seeing what all this city has to offer. On the cruise ship, I look forward to the food the most. I love to eat!! I can not wait to play bingo and explore Ocho Rios, Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands with my family. Overall, I know this trip and these days will be one among many joyous days. Surrounding yourself with love, family, and good times helps you to keep going. I plan to do that and much more!
~Until next time
Tuesday the 10th, we had an appointment scheduled in order to have a semen analysis done. We traveled to REACH, checked in, and was immediately able to go to the lab. Here, we were taken to a small area off the sitting room to sign some documents, where my husband had to initial his labels for the sample to be collected. These labels were applied to our forms and also to our cup. We were then able to pick a room and get started. This was the most awkward moment I have had in my entire life! How are you suppose to feel while trying to get your husband off in a very tiny, small room with 1980's pornos and Playboy magazines that absolutely suck?! The atmosphere did not exactly put either of us in the mood so we had to tough it out. Pretending this task was one of our dying wishes or fantasies was the only way to trudge through this debacle. So instead of going to medical school for the PA program, I instantly became a sexy MD and worked as a "doctor" for a day! : ) Knowing the importance of the sample urged us forward too. Hmmm, I am wondering could this already be counted as a sacrifice for our children? Ha ha ha! This experience was very interesting and one that I will never forget!
Yesterday around 4 pm, I received a call from REACH about our results. One of our nurses, Mary, wanted to schedule us an appointment for this Friday to talk about the results. Once again my heart stopped and I could not breathe. I hate receiving calls like this and getting no hint or indications on whether the discussion will be good or bad. Her tone conveyed that perhaps the news will be bad news. Since we are going on our cruise, we had to schedule the appointment on the 31st, which is a whole 19 days away!! Ah the anticipation is going to kill me. I will worry, worry, and worry some more on our vacation. I almost wish I had not answered that call. I wish I had ignored it, but I know that would not have gotten us anywhere. It is so ironic that I can be a warrior at one moment and a scared little girl the next. I guess it is true, I am a jelly bean just like my husband likes to call me. I am hard on the outside, but once my shell is penetrated I am so soft on the inside. Yes, we will have to wait unfortunately to get the results, but when we do receive them, I will make sure I share!
Anyways, on a more exciting note, this day is one among many! A very special day where new adventures begin. Today we will head to Miami, FL for our cruise that sails on Saturday the 14th (our 2 year wedding anniversary yay!). I can not tell you all how excited, happy, joyous, anxious that I am. Though I love to travel, it seems like I rarely take vacations, so I am looking forward to this much needed retreat full of relaxation. I can not wait to see the ocean. I love the ocean and water in general. I am your average swimmer, but I love the sights of huge bodies of water. They seem edgeless, limitless, are mysterious, and full of wonder. I could not imagine myself going deep into the ocean because of the heavy, deep darkness, but I love seeing the images of deep sea diving. I also look forward to exploring Miami and seeing what all this city has to offer. On the cruise ship, I look forward to the food the most. I love to eat!! I can not wait to play bingo and explore Ocho Rios, Jamaica and the Grand Cayman Islands with my family. Overall, I know this trip and these days will be one among many joyous days. Surrounding yourself with love, family, and good times helps you to keep going. I plan to do that and much more!
~Until next time
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