Emotional Roller Coaster

Before I knew that we could not have kids, I always prided myself on the fact that I never had any children. I was proud that I was young, married, had obtained a college degree, and maintained a job without having any children. The irony of the situation was that it was not from the lack of trying. We just could not have kids.

Earlier when I started this post, I was crying. I was angry and oh so sad. At times the pain overtakes me and it feels like the world comes crashing down on me all over again. I was angry at the people who could get pregnant so very easily. I was angry at the fact that we have to face this heartbreaking challenge. I was angry that I felt so proud of not having children without knowing that the same thing I felt proud of would but the same thing that brings me to my knees and make my heart stutter in my chest. I am so emotional right not and I am trying to fight it. When will this fight end? I do not want to sit here and cry endlessly. I do not want to get the disappointing reminders every month that my womb remains empty. Where is the strength that I have built up over the months and years? Where is that tough armor that softens the blows of infertility? I need it now more than ever.

I saw my auntie recently. She discussed her battle against her breast cancer. She recently started chemo and is taking an endless amount of medicine. Her battle is more real now than it has ever been. I was devastated when I heard the news, but now I am even more devastated that she has to begin this fight. All I can think about is what if she loses? My great aunt and Willie's grandfather lost the battle, so what if she succumbs too? I pray that her youth, faith, and belief gives her more strength than they ever had.  I know I have to be strong, but right now I am not very optimistic. We are similar but while she is fighting for her life, I am fighting to give life.

Right now I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am happy, I am sad, I am angry and jealous, but most of all I feel hopeless. I am at a standstill. There are no more doctor appointments that we have to go to. There are no more updates to post about our progress of moving forward in our infertility journey. All I can think about is that this may be the end. We may never have children and I will be this angry, resentful person. I hate feeling like this. Usually I am always laughing, talking, and smiling, but I feel like there is nothing to celebrate right now. This is the end and I am willing to let it be just that: the end.

Crazy

I feel crazy. Every thought that I think involves a baby. After moving back the IUI date and finding out that my aunt is suffering with breast cancer, I think I have become even more stressed. I think that I am crazy and that I have lost my mind. Or is this a type of depression? My psychology brain wants to put a name on it. All I know though is that this sucks and feels really unhealthy.

Lately I have been looking at baby names. I bought a baby book and I am reading it page by painstaking page. Though he could care less, I hurl the names at Willie while he is playing his Xbox. I pick out all the cute, weird names like Maddox, Avery, Mathias, Liam, etc. I love those names but unfortunately Willie does not. We have a few picked out, but I want to try to find all the names in the world first.

I also have been looking at nurseries. I used Pinterest and projectnursery.com. I searched these sites for hours marking the rooms I loved . I sift through and try to find a baby boy room, a baby girl room, and a neutral room. I want to start painting and buying small things like shelves, paintings, drapes, rugs, a chair, etc. I have realized that I love the aqua, white, and orange combo or the gray, white, and yellow combo. These details I have thought of time and time again. I obsess over them for a while and then I am fine. I am usually able to shake the obsession, but this time it feels as though I will not be able to. I detest this feeling! I am angry that I feel this way. I am use to being so strong, but I feel as though I am weak and failing myself . Why can I not shake this feeling? This is not right, yet I can not quit doing these things. I wish that we still had February as an option. No one wants to feel crazy. What I am going to do? These baby blues are taking me under and I am powerless to stop it....

Blues

I got the blues.  Not just the baby blues either.  I'm sad all the way around.  We pushed back our date for the IUI so that we could save some more money. Money is very important.  In my opinion it makes the world go around so if there is no money, there is little we can do.  I would  feel more comfortable with a substantial amount already saved up. Our new month is May. It'll be sometime after mother's day and then the oh so long 2 week wait.  We are looking for a June confirmation if everything is successful.  I was so impatient but now I'm ready to wait.

The center and majority of my blues concerns a family member.  I found out yesterday that my auntie,  my only auntie has breast cancer.  Never in a million years would I think this could happen.  What do I say,  what do I do,  how do I act? I keep asking why and how long?  I have hope though in the treatments: chemo and possibly surgery.  My pessimistic side is trying hard to win.  This side makes it seems as if it is a death sentence.  I know that there is a possibility of surviving and I plan on fighting with her. I want to stop crying.  I want to be strong but this is one difficult battle. We had a celebration for her birthday yesterday.  I cried a little,  but I stayed strong.  I know that happiness and laughter is needed so I plan to deliver both. I want to cherish these moments in case there will be no more. I want these blues to go away.......