Money and finances are very important. MUSC recently emailed me a financial aid packet. It has information about loans, but most of all scholarships. While attending Winthrop, I just about had a full ride. During my last year of high school, I applied for any and all scholarships that I could get my hands on. Most of the scholarships had certain major and GPA requirements. You would be so overjoyed to find another scholarship, but have that happiness crushed as soon as you read parts of the requirements. Now that I look back, it seems that my joy and hope were always crushed during certain moments. This infertility journey can not be excluded from that category.
The infertility journey has many expenses including doctor visits, medicines, and driving expenses. Most of all though, the greatest expense turns out to be the procedure needed to finally achieve the dream of becoming pregnant. We were ecstatic to find a solution to our life shattering problem. We had found our answer along with new hope. We had optimism until we found out the procedure expense. We first thought that $800 plus a little more would not be hard to save. Boy were we wrong. Within two weeks of deciding on the IUI procedure, I had $300 saved which was quickly spent as unsuspected expenses came up. It was so frustrating. We were finally getting somewhere then BAM! our carefully laid plans were ruined. We keep having to push the IUI process back and I do not like that one single bit. I feel all we can do though is keep budgeting and hope that nothing more surprises us.
Though we have to keep hoping that there are no interruptions in our saving journey, others may have a better chance for infertility funding. I recently discovered that it is possible to obtain scholarships and grants to help with infertility expenses! Who would have ever thought?! I think that this is a wonderful opportunity for couples especially those whose insurances does not cover the infertility expenses and procedures. I encountered this information through the Resolve website: http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/infertility-treatment-grants-and-scholarships.html . It seems like the main procedure with scholarships and grants available is the IVF procedure. There may be many other grants and scholarships available so I encourage you all to include these in your search for funding your journey. I hope that this information is as helpful to you or others as it was to me. You really do learn something new everyday.
~Until next time
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Crazy
I feel crazy. Every thought that I think involves a baby. After moving back the IUI date and finding out that my aunt is suffering with breast cancer, I think I have become even more stressed. I think that I am crazy and that I have lost my mind. Or is this a type of depression? My psychology brain wants to put a name on it. All I know though is that this sucks and feels really unhealthy.
Lately I have been looking at baby names. I bought a baby book and I am reading it page by painstaking page. Though he could care less, I hurl the names at Willie while he is playing his Xbox. I pick out all the cute, weird names like Maddox, Avery, Mathias, Liam, etc. I love those names but unfortunately Willie does not. We have a few picked out, but I want to try to find all the names in the world first.
I also have been looking at nurseries. I used Pinterest and projectnursery.com. I searched these sites for hours marking the rooms I loved . I sift through and try to find a baby boy room, a baby girl room, and a neutral room. I want to start painting and buying small things like shelves, paintings, drapes, rugs, a chair, etc. I have realized that I love the aqua, white, and orange combo or the gray, white, and yellow combo. These details I have thought of time and time again. I obsess over them for a while and then I am fine. I am usually able to shake the obsession, but this time it feels as though I will not be able to. I detest this feeling! I am angry that I feel this way. I am use to being so strong, but I feel as though I am weak and failing myself . Why can I not shake this feeling? This is not right, yet I can not quit doing these things. I wish that we still had February as an option. No one wants to feel crazy. What I am going to do? These baby blues are taking me under and I am powerless to stop it....
Lately I have been looking at baby names. I bought a baby book and I am reading it page by painstaking page. Though he could care less, I hurl the names at Willie while he is playing his Xbox. I pick out all the cute, weird names like Maddox, Avery, Mathias, Liam, etc. I love those names but unfortunately Willie does not. We have a few picked out, but I want to try to find all the names in the world first.
I also have been looking at nurseries. I used Pinterest and projectnursery.com. I searched these sites for hours marking the rooms I loved . I sift through and try to find a baby boy room, a baby girl room, and a neutral room. I want to start painting and buying small things like shelves, paintings, drapes, rugs, a chair, etc. I have realized that I love the aqua, white, and orange combo or the gray, white, and yellow combo. These details I have thought of time and time again. I obsess over them for a while and then I am fine. I am usually able to shake the obsession, but this time it feels as though I will not be able to. I detest this feeling! I am angry that I feel this way. I am use to being so strong, but I feel as though I am weak and failing myself . Why can I not shake this feeling? This is not right, yet I can not quit doing these things. I wish that we still had February as an option. No one wants to feel crazy. What I am going to do? These baby blues are taking me under and I am powerless to stop it....
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Blues
I got the blues. Not just the baby blues either. I'm sad all the way around. We pushed back our date for the IUI so that we could save some more money. Money is very important. In my opinion it makes the world go around so if there is no money, there is little we can do. I would feel more comfortable with a substantial amount already saved up. Our new month is May. It'll be sometime after mother's day and then the oh so long 2 week wait. We are looking for a June confirmation if everything is successful. I was so impatient but now I'm ready to wait.
The center and majority of my blues concerns a family member. I found out yesterday that my auntie, my only auntie has breast cancer. Never in a million years would I think this could happen. What do I say, what do I do, how do I act? I keep asking why and how long? I have hope though in the treatments: chemo and possibly surgery. My pessimistic side is trying hard to win. This side makes it seems as if it is a death sentence. I know that there is a possibility of surviving and I plan on fighting with her. I want to stop crying. I want to be strong but this is one difficult battle. We had a celebration for her birthday yesterday. I cried a little, but I stayed strong. I know that happiness and laughter is needed so I plan to deliver both. I want to cherish these moments in case there will be no more. I want these blues to go away.......
The center and majority of my blues concerns a family member. I found out yesterday that my auntie, my only auntie has breast cancer. Never in a million years would I think this could happen. What do I say, what do I do, how do I act? I keep asking why and how long? I have hope though in the treatments: chemo and possibly surgery. My pessimistic side is trying hard to win. This side makes it seems as if it is a death sentence. I know that there is a possibility of surviving and I plan on fighting with her. I want to stop crying. I want to be strong but this is one difficult battle. We had a celebration for her birthday yesterday. I cried a little, but I stayed strong. I know that happiness and laughter is needed so I plan to deliver both. I want to cherish these moments in case there will be no more. I want these blues to go away.......
Friday, January 10, 2014
Counting.......
Days seem to take so long to pass now that we have reached a decision. We decided that February would be the perfect time to try our first cycle of IUI. I hope that this will be our first and last cycle of IUI.
As the days drag, I become even more impatient. I can imagine the procedure, feel the joy at the positive pregnancy test, and embrace the impending changes due to motherhood. Who would have ever thought we would be anticipating the arrival of my next menstrual cycle. There is less than a month left before we can start the next phase in our journey. I am counting every second, minute, and hour.
The next phase will begin with the start of my menstrual cycle in early February. On the first day of my cycle, I must call and schedule an appointment for the third day of my cycle. On the third day of my cycle, they will do some blood work. I believe that it will be done to test for hormone levels etc. After this, I believe that my doctor will start me on a medicine routine for follicle growth that will last a couple of days. The size of the follicles will be monitored along with the number. Both are very important for the success of a child, or in the case of way too many follicles, multiples! I prefer multiples. I want babies to spoil and love, but my husband disagrees. The IUI price is currently $800, a special rate they are currently running. I love this price so I hope it carries into February.
This procedure looks to be our most successful chance at children. I am excited yet wary. I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. What if we are rushing into things? I debate whether we are ready for a child. With the doctor appointments, I was just seeking a solution. I do not believe that I ever thought beyond finding that solution. I never thought beyond finding the answer then deciding the next step. I mean of course I want children. We are in this remarkable situation were we can choose when to have kids and I am indecisive about the right time. Now seems okay. We have been married two years, together seven years. We have maintained a place of our own for five of those years. I have received an undergraduate degree and he has attended some college. We own a car and possess decent jobs with ample room for promotion. More school is still in our futures, but finally our longing for a child seems to be too overwhelming. Everyone who I have spoken to about us having a child inquires about school. It feels as if they believe that my desire to go to medical school and become a physician assistant will forever be just that, a desire. It feels as though they believe that this one future child will ruin the plans I have for a career. I detest this implication. I am very determined. I feel as though I am destined to become a PA but also a mother. I am now simply changing the order because I place having a family in higher priority. My timeline of attending medical school may be pushed back a little, but I feel that with the support and knowing myself, I will be able to succeed in returning back to school. I only have a few classes left and I plan to take classes up until the baby is here. I value education so I believe that this will not be an issue. The real issue is money.
On top of the stress and lack of sleep, my concern centers around money. How much does it cost to raise a child, especially in the early years? How many weeks can I take off after the child is born? We will have to save money while spending money at the same time to prepare. I am going to have to compromise on my beautiful nursery that I had envisioned. I have to rethink that cruise that we want to take in July. I know that we will have to rework things, but for this I am willing to. I am willing to do a lot for the chance to become a mommy!!! I sincerely hope that we will be successful in managing our money. Any good tips out there?
~Until next time
As the days drag, I become even more impatient. I can imagine the procedure, feel the joy at the positive pregnancy test, and embrace the impending changes due to motherhood. Who would have ever thought we would be anticipating the arrival of my next menstrual cycle. There is less than a month left before we can start the next phase in our journey. I am counting every second, minute, and hour.
The next phase will begin with the start of my menstrual cycle in early February. On the first day of my cycle, I must call and schedule an appointment for the third day of my cycle. On the third day of my cycle, they will do some blood work. I believe that it will be done to test for hormone levels etc. After this, I believe that my doctor will start me on a medicine routine for follicle growth that will last a couple of days. The size of the follicles will be monitored along with the number. Both are very important for the success of a child, or in the case of way too many follicles, multiples! I prefer multiples. I want babies to spoil and love, but my husband disagrees. The IUI price is currently $800, a special rate they are currently running. I love this price so I hope it carries into February.
This procedure looks to be our most successful chance at children. I am excited yet wary. I keep wondering if we are doing the right thing. What if we are rushing into things? I debate whether we are ready for a child. With the doctor appointments, I was just seeking a solution. I do not believe that I ever thought beyond finding that solution. I never thought beyond finding the answer then deciding the next step. I mean of course I want children. We are in this remarkable situation were we can choose when to have kids and I am indecisive about the right time. Now seems okay. We have been married two years, together seven years. We have maintained a place of our own for five of those years. I have received an undergraduate degree and he has attended some college. We own a car and possess decent jobs with ample room for promotion. More school is still in our futures, but finally our longing for a child seems to be too overwhelming. Everyone who I have spoken to about us having a child inquires about school. It feels as if they believe that my desire to go to medical school and become a physician assistant will forever be just that, a desire. It feels as though they believe that this one future child will ruin the plans I have for a career. I detest this implication. I am very determined. I feel as though I am destined to become a PA but also a mother. I am now simply changing the order because I place having a family in higher priority. My timeline of attending medical school may be pushed back a little, but I feel that with the support and knowing myself, I will be able to succeed in returning back to school. I only have a few classes left and I plan to take classes up until the baby is here. I value education so I believe that this will not be an issue. The real issue is money.
On top of the stress and lack of sleep, my concern centers around money. How much does it cost to raise a child, especially in the early years? How many weeks can I take off after the child is born? We will have to save money while spending money at the same time to prepare. I am going to have to compromise on my beautiful nursery that I had envisioned. I have to rethink that cruise that we want to take in July. I know that we will have to rework things, but for this I am willing to. I am willing to do a lot for the chance to become a mommy!!! I sincerely hope that we will be successful in managing our money. Any good tips out there?
~Until next time
Friday, January 3, 2014
Dreaming of Decisions
It is cold and the night is silent. The new year has started and I am dreaming of decisions. I dream about the nursery. I dream about your gender. I dream about your name, but most of all I dream about holding you.
We had our follow up appointment on the 31st. Our reproductive endocrinologist broke down the results. Basically, we are looking very good. Our age and the quality of eggs and sperm are amazing, with only time decreasing our numbers and success. He wrapped up the appointment by letting us know that the decision of when we are ready is up to us. We decide when and the IUI process can then begin.
I dream of failing and being punished for being so impatient. I dream of more struggles, sorrow, and anger. I dream that I will never become a mother. I dream that we are judged.
Being 22 and desperate makes me feel terrible. I am so young yet I write as if we have been struggling for decades. How do the older couples feel? The ones who have more severe problems compared to our minor problems. Do they judge us or join in praying for our future children? Will I lose this future child and future chances? Is this the path we are suppose to take? Who will support us?
I dream of discussing our fertility problems with my mother in law. I want so desperately to connect with her. I want to feel valuable and human. Will she care, stare in shock, or cry with happiness? Is she ready to be a grandmother?
I dream of deciding. I dream of the hours ticking pass and giving way to February. I dream of the IUI process, the two week wait, and the positive affirmation that I carry life in my womb. I dream of Willie's face filled with joy, pride, and so much love. I dream of nine blissful months giving way to a healthy, beautiful, and cherished child. Hopefully, I dream the truth of our future.
We had our follow up appointment on the 31st. Our reproductive endocrinologist broke down the results. Basically, we are looking very good. Our age and the quality of eggs and sperm are amazing, with only time decreasing our numbers and success. He wrapped up the appointment by letting us know that the decision of when we are ready is up to us. We decide when and the IUI process can then begin.
I dream of failing and being punished for being so impatient. I dream of more struggles, sorrow, and anger. I dream that I will never become a mother. I dream that we are judged.
Being 22 and desperate makes me feel terrible. I am so young yet I write as if we have been struggling for decades. How do the older couples feel? The ones who have more severe problems compared to our minor problems. Do they judge us or join in praying for our future children? Will I lose this future child and future chances? Is this the path we are suppose to take? Who will support us?
I dream of discussing our fertility problems with my mother in law. I want so desperately to connect with her. I want to feel valuable and human. Will she care, stare in shock, or cry with happiness? Is she ready to be a grandmother?
I dream of deciding. I dream of the hours ticking pass and giving way to February. I dream of the IUI process, the two week wait, and the positive affirmation that I carry life in my womb. I dream of Willie's face filled with joy, pride, and so much love. I dream of nine blissful months giving way to a healthy, beautiful, and cherished child. Hopefully, I dream the truth of our future.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)