Bitterness

Many things challenge you in life, but infertility challenges you tremendously. It is life changing causing you to never be the same. You are tested and challenged every step of the way. It is a battle even if everyone thinks "time" and "age" is all it takes. It drives you crazy. Someone lied when they said money can not buy you happiness. Support, understanding, and love helps you hold on for just a little while longer where that little while then turns into months rolling into years.  During this time, a multitude of feelings are experienced. Sometimes though the experience pauses on bitterness. 

After my sadness, I thought that the bitterness of not getting pregnant would consume me. I was waiting for this darker side of my personality to show itself. I was prepared to no longer fight it and just be bitter. Bitterness, sometimes the result of infertility, also changes you. Many times for the worse. It morphs you into someone you do not recognize.

For a while, I was bitter. I hated the people who had, would, and could get pregnant as teens. I hated the people who were able to have multiple children, while I struggled to conceive just one. Even while maintaining I was pro-choice, I detested the people who could so easily abort their children. For a moment, bitterness was slowly overtaking me. It was no longer a darker side, but becoming the essence of who I was.

Yesterday morning around 6:20 am, I had the shock of a lifetime. One of my Starbucks customers came in and ordered her usual. This time with her drink though, she got decaf espresso. I looked at her and she walked over to show me a picture on her phone. The picture turned out to be a pregnancy test showing her one to two weeks pregnant. Looking back, I expected the bitterness to rear its ugly head and make me jealous and angry. I was presently surprised though. I squealed with joy and congratulated her. I was honored that she would share her special news with me after sharing it with only her husband that morning. I realized that though we might be in this struggle,  we are not defined by infertility. Every constant emotion, such as bitterness, does not permanently belong to us. It is normal to feel as long as we are not consumed by it. Understanding yourself, infertility, and its obstacles help you to overcome feelings such as bitterness in your journey.

Now I understand how wrong I was. I thought the bitterness had consumed me. Instead, it changed me while helping me grow through this difficult journey.

Family

Growing up, I cherished family. There were always gatherings and we were always together at some point. Though we were so dysfunctional with many problems, I could always enjoy those family moments.

After high school, I distanced myself. I moved out at 17 and started going my own way. I would only work and attend school. Now that I look back, it seems like I was isolated. I would always make up an excuse, such as I worked too much or that I was studying. The truth was though, I simply abandoned my family.

It is astonishing how a hardship can pull each member of the family closer. With the sharing of our infertility story, I felt like the family had the secret to our life. I feel more whole and comfortable every time that I let a family member in. So much love can be discovered once you connect more with your blood relations. Upon the diagnosis of my aunt's breast cancer, I decided that I needed to spend time with not only my immediate family, but my family on all sides, including my in laws.

Recently, I have had some amazing times with my immediate family on my mother's side. We have enjoyed the beach, a cruise, and the recent holidays together. Here are some lovely pictures that keep reminding of those wonderful times:

Before the cruise



Thanksgiving



Christmas

Beach in September

 

After the diagnosis, I decided to spend more time with my father's side of the family. We were so close after my mother and he split, but lost touch after. The perfect time to bond has come again. We always spent holidays and special occasions together, such as graduations. I hope to spend many more days celebrating and laughing with this side. I especially want to bound more with my auntie. I have faith that she will beat this horrible cancer, but if she does not I want to be able to say that I got to know her and love her unconditionally. Here are some pictures from our recent get together yesterday for my little cousin Cevion's 6th birthday (his grandma is my aunt):

 

 

You should value family. You should never hold grudges and pass up the moments that you will have to spend with them. When a family member is  gone, there will be regrets and missed moments. I wish to have no regrets. I want to say that I was able to know every family member that I could. Some how I aim to include my in laws in this quest for a connection. It is so hard to find a way to connect with them outside of holidays. I aim to get this ball started. Though it may be a challenge, I am up for it. I just need to keep remembering that family is everything and my love for them is unconditional.

~Until next time 

Emotional Roller Coaster

Before I knew that we could not have kids, I always prided myself on the fact that I never had any children. I was proud that I was young, married, had obtained a college degree, and maintained a job without having any children. The irony of the situation was that it was not from the lack of trying. We just could not have kids.

Earlier when I started this post, I was crying. I was angry and oh so sad. At times the pain overtakes me and it feels like the world comes crashing down on me all over again. I was angry at the people who could get pregnant so very easily. I was angry at the fact that we have to face this heartbreaking challenge. I was angry that I felt so proud of not having children without knowing that the same thing I felt proud of would but the same thing that brings me to my knees and make my heart stutter in my chest. I am so emotional right not and I am trying to fight it. When will this fight end? I do not want to sit here and cry endlessly. I do not want to get the disappointing reminders every month that my womb remains empty. Where is the strength that I have built up over the months and years? Where is that tough armor that softens the blows of infertility? I need it now more than ever.

I saw my auntie recently. She discussed her battle against her breast cancer. She recently started chemo and is taking an endless amount of medicine. Her battle is more real now than it has ever been. I was devastated when I heard the news, but now I am even more devastated that she has to begin this fight. All I can think about is what if she loses? My great aunt and Willie's grandfather lost the battle, so what if she succumbs too? I pray that her youth, faith, and belief gives her more strength than they ever had.  I know I have to be strong, but right now I am not very optimistic. We are similar but while she is fighting for her life, I am fighting to give life.

Right now I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am happy, I am sad, I am angry and jealous, but most of all I feel hopeless. I am at a standstill. There are no more doctor appointments that we have to go to. There are no more updates to post about our progress of moving forward in our infertility journey. All I can think about is that this may be the end. We may never have children and I will be this angry, resentful person. I hate feeling like this. Usually I am always laughing, talking, and smiling, but I feel like there is nothing to celebrate right now. This is the end and I am willing to let it be just that: the end.