Emotional Roller Coaster

Before I knew that we could not have kids, I always prided myself on the fact that I never had any children. I was proud that I was young, married, had obtained a college degree, and maintained a job without having any children. The irony of the situation was that it was not from the lack of trying. We just could not have kids.

Earlier when I started this post, I was crying. I was angry and oh so sad. At times the pain overtakes me and it feels like the world comes crashing down on me all over again. I was angry at the people who could get pregnant so very easily. I was angry at the fact that we have to face this heartbreaking challenge. I was angry that I felt so proud of not having children without knowing that the same thing I felt proud of would but the same thing that brings me to my knees and make my heart stutter in my chest. I am so emotional right not and I am trying to fight it. When will this fight end? I do not want to sit here and cry endlessly. I do not want to get the disappointing reminders every month that my womb remains empty. Where is the strength that I have built up over the months and years? Where is that tough armor that softens the blows of infertility? I need it now more than ever.

I saw my auntie recently. She discussed her battle against her breast cancer. She recently started chemo and is taking an endless amount of medicine. Her battle is more real now than it has ever been. I was devastated when I heard the news, but now I am even more devastated that she has to begin this fight. All I can think about is what if she loses? My great aunt and Willie's grandfather lost the battle, so what if she succumbs too? I pray that her youth, faith, and belief gives her more strength than they ever had.  I know I have to be strong, but right now I am not very optimistic. We are similar but while she is fighting for her life, I am fighting to give life.

Right now I am on an emotional roller coaster. I am happy, I am sad, I am angry and jealous, but most of all I feel hopeless. I am at a standstill. There are no more doctor appointments that we have to go to. There are no more updates to post about our progress of moving forward in our infertility journey. All I can think about is that this may be the end. We may never have children and I will be this angry, resentful person. I hate feeling like this. Usually I am always laughing, talking, and smiling, but I feel like there is nothing to celebrate right now. This is the end and I am willing to let it be just that: the end.