Bitterness

Many things challenge you in life, but infertility challenges you tremendously. It is life changing causing you to never be the same. You are tested and challenged every step of the way. It is a battle even if everyone thinks "time" and "age" is all it takes. It drives you crazy. Someone lied when they said money can not buy you happiness. Support, understanding, and love helps you hold on for just a little while longer where that little while then turns into months rolling into years.  During this time, a multitude of feelings are experienced. Sometimes though the experience pauses on bitterness. 

After my sadness, I thought that the bitterness of not getting pregnant would consume me. I was waiting for this darker side of my personality to show itself. I was prepared to no longer fight it and just be bitter. Bitterness, sometimes the result of infertility, also changes you. Many times for the worse. It morphs you into someone you do not recognize.

For a while, I was bitter. I hated the people who had, would, and could get pregnant as teens. I hated the people who were able to have multiple children, while I struggled to conceive just one. Even while maintaining I was pro-choice, I detested the people who could so easily abort their children. For a moment, bitterness was slowly overtaking me. It was no longer a darker side, but becoming the essence of who I was.

Yesterday morning around 6:20 am, I had the shock of a lifetime. One of my Starbucks customers came in and ordered her usual. This time with her drink though, she got decaf espresso. I looked at her and she walked over to show me a picture on her phone. The picture turned out to be a pregnancy test showing her one to two weeks pregnant. Looking back, I expected the bitterness to rear its ugly head and make me jealous and angry. I was presently surprised though. I squealed with joy and congratulated her. I was honored that she would share her special news with me after sharing it with only her husband that morning. I realized that though we might be in this struggle,  we are not defined by infertility. Every constant emotion, such as bitterness, does not permanently belong to us. It is normal to feel as long as we are not consumed by it. Understanding yourself, infertility, and its obstacles help you to overcome feelings such as bitterness in your journey.

Now I understand how wrong I was. I thought the bitterness had consumed me. Instead, it changed me while helping me grow through this difficult journey.